Monday, October 30, 2006

How Duct Tape is Made: Video

Cool, eh?

The MacGyver of MacGyver knifes

It really exists. This is not a doctered photo. Wenger, the company that makes Swiss Army knifes, released this bad boy a couple of months ago. It has over 85 functions, and weighs nearly 3 pounds. You call only order directly via this 1-800 number: 800-431-2996. How much, you say? Only $1200 dollars. Just in time for Xmas.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

MacGyver Final Season DVD Review

Well, the DVD of the Final Season of MacGyver is finally being released today. I don't want to spoil it for you but it turns out that Mac had a son. Or as I like to call him, the little spinoff that wasn't.

Clearly the producers were prepared for the end, besides setting up the idea of a Young MacGyver franchise, they tried to launch a spin-off based on the Colton brothers, a fraternal bounty-hunting duo whose main crime-fighting asset appeared to be a super-intelligent dog. For the brief time that Mac appeared in the episode, aptly entitled "The Coltons", he's tied up in a basement, a timebomb ticking away nearby. Meanwhile we watch the Coltons engage in wacky misadventures. The absolute nadir of the series occurs when the superdog miraculously finds MacGyver, then manages to knock a jar of sulfuric acid to the floor where Mac can use his feet and a ruler to fling the JAR OF SULFURIC ACID over his head and directly onto the ropes that bind his hands. Why the dog didn't just grow hands and untie MacGyver, I'm not sure. It seems equally plausible.

But hey, in a season that also includes MacGyver teamed up with Merlin, yes the one of King Arthur fame, we shouldn't have high expectations. The witty title of this two-part episode, "Good Knight MacGyver". After being conked on the head, MacGyver wakes to find himself in King Arthur's Court. Hey Mark Twain, you better call your lawyers. MacGyver proceeds to unravel a murder plot with Merlin as a skeptical sidekick. If you ask me, that's a third spin-off right there. Having fully thrashed the premise, I'll admit that the episode was chockful of truly inventive MacGyverisms in a season that decidedly wasn't. He made a kite, a balloon, even chemistry equipment from medieval implements. That's the MacGyver I know and love.

Of course, Murdoc makes a fey, meglomaniacal appearance, in "Obsessed". MacGyver uses one of my all-time favorite tricks, spraying Formula 409 on lightbulbs to make them explode. It doesn't actually work sadly, but it seems so cool.

The final season is, by far, my least favorite. Not that it's not entertaining. It's good stuff. But for me, the series went downhill after MacGyver left the Phoenix Foundation. When the series started MacGyver was a superspy fighting evil all over the globe, when it ended he was just a really smart guy living off unemployment in Venice Beach.

MacGyver Final Season: Two knifes out of five.

SEASON 7 MacGyverisms
(excerpted from the appendix of The Unofficial MacGyver How-to Handbook)

126 HONEST ABE
Accessed the computer of a special helicopter with a flashlight
Blew up a door with alcohol and a fuse made from candle wax and cloth
Signaled a helicopter to fire its weapons with a razor and a mirror

127 THE HOOD
Escaped a torturer’s rack with a stake and a skeleton hand
Enhanced printing on burned matchbook with candle wax (Mac’s explanation: the wax holds the ashes together, the ink had a metallic substance that wouldn’t burn.)
Knocked an assassin off his scaffolding by threading a fire hose through it and attaching the fire hose to an elevator

128 OBSESSED
Escaped from a missile launch pad using his boots and liquid nitrogen
Created a diversion with window cleaner and a light bulb

129 THE PROMETHEUS SYNDROME
Disarmed a bomb with a pin and a magnet

130 THE COLTONS
Escaped being blown up by a bomb while being tied to a chair with a ruler, a cardboard tube, sulfuric acid and a dog. (Most absurd escape ever!)

131 WALKING DEAD
Escaped from a coffin in the back of a truck using a rope and a bumpy road
Booby-trapped a tunnel with a brick, barrels, and some wire

132,133 GOOD KNIGHT MACGYVER I & II
Made an antidote with egg whites and charcoal
Created an electrophoresis to isolate vanadium (a poison) with alcohol, wire, a candle, a zinc pot, a copper pot, and glass tubes.
Made a fire extinguisher with baking soda, vinegar and a wine bag
Escaped a firepit with the corkscrew on his knife
Made a dog whistle with a copper tube and a piece of paper
Made gooey lettering readable by burning it with gunpowder
Shined a silver barrette with ammonia to make a mirror
Escaped a dungeon with a homemade kite (silk, quills, clothe strips), gunpowder, a wine bag inflated with hydrogen produced from a combination of vitriol and zinc

134 DEADLY SILENTS
Survived a 100 foot drop by poking his knife through
a wallet and then insert the knife into a curtain and
allowing the resistance to slow his descent
Escaped a water tank by using his shoe and a hose to
hook a rope ladder outside the tank
Blew-out truck tires with a board full of upturned nails
Used a fake movie building front to stop thugs

135 SPLIT DECISION
Made boxing training devices with automotive repair equipment
Made a chill bag with sodium thiosulfate (a chemical fixer for photos) and water
Attacked thugs with construction crane

136 GUNZ ‘N BOYS
Broke into shipping office by tearing off air conditioner
Blew open a door with a beer keg torpedo
Picked the lock on handcuffs with the wire that surrounding the cork of a champagne bottle

137 OFF THE WALL
Melted the plastic tie-wraps binding his hands by pulling a heating element out of a space heater with a coat hanger and then turning on the space heater
Blew-up car by throwing a bomb down a construction chute into the path of a moving car

138 THE STRINGER
Escaped a cargo hold using a high pressure washer, 3000 PSI of water pressure, a steering wheel, and seat belts to make a water jet pack
Created a smokescreen by lighting the powder inside a flare

139 THE MOUNTAIN OF YOUTH
Escaped from a jail with an electric door with a scarf, a test tube, and access to the electric control box conveniently located inside the cell
Used a ladder as a battering ram

Cheesy MacGyver Commercial

We went for that 1980's Ronco feel. Let me know if you enjoy it.



I'm wearing the exact same pair of shoes today.

MacGyver and Pig Castration

Unlike the usual newspaper reference to bombmaking or middle-age mechanics, this Macgyver reference is truly admirable. Evidently there's a professor at the University of New Hampshire who teaches a class on how to Macgyverize items to help disabled people. Including disabled farmers, which is probably a large group with all those tractor accidents.

From the article:
"Willkomm's most interesting invention is easily the "pig jig," a contraption that allows someone to castrate a pig using just one hand, made for farmers who lost a limb. The pig is placed into it and a person pushes down on a crank with their foot that secures the pig in place and holds its legs back."
I bet poor Wilbur was hoping for a web saying "Impotent Pig". Because unfortunately Charlotte's dead.

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Friday, October 20, 2006

MacGyver and "Lost"

So some wag over at AOL, speculated that MacGyver and John Locke would be good pals. While I doubt that, it does raise the mildly interesting idea of a MacGyver guest appearance on Lost. I'm kidding, MacGyver on the Simpsons, yay! MacGyver on "Lost". Cough. Cough. Lame.

A adjective which could be applied to "Lost" nowadays. It moves way to slow. Can we cover more than a day a season, J.J.? MacGyver managed to get out of any situation in less than an hour. You put him on an island with airplane fuselage and an electromagnetic super generator and he'd make a goddamn teleporter. Or at least a hovercraft.

*sigh* When is ingenuity going to return to television.

Friday, October 13, 2006

If MacGyver was a piece of clothing...

...he'd be a poufy down vest. Or at least according to this asinine "article" from the Helena Independent Record. I cringe to think that this is what passes for journalism, even in Montana. Prove to me that it wasn't written for a kindergartener. I mean, who in their right mind would speculate what kind of clothing MacGyver would be, and then what kind of moronic editor would run it in his/her newspaper. And what kind of mindless blogger would reference it...oh. Right.

Friday, October 06, 2006

The MacGyver How-to Guide to Pretexting


Anyone remember Dexter Fillmore? Dexter was MacGyver's favorite alias, a computer geek before it was cool, which he used to infiltrate companies and gain information. That, my friends, is pretexting.

Most pretexting isn't illegal. If you do not claim to be a specific person from a specific company, you're okay. So if you pretend you're a grad student to get info out of a receptionist, you're still okay. Also, provided you're not trying to obtain information from a financial company. This will probably change in the wake of the HP scandal. Unless we all forget about it because of a Congressional sex scandal. But that would never happen.

But, in 1985, none of this was illegal. The Graham Act of 1999 made it so. So Macgyver did not break any laws. Though he did frequently violate the Federal Wiretapping Act. Ends justify the means, eh, Mac?

Okay, so here's my MacGyver How-to Guide to Pretexting. Written by me, a former employee of a private intelligence gathering firm. This stuff works. Amendments and comments welcome.

1. Wear glasses. Even if you're just making a phone call, it'll help you get into character. Unless, you wear glasses, in which case, take them off.

2. Be polite. People respond well to being treated nice. Also, they will think you're Canadian, and therefore harmless.

3. Work fast. Inquire about what you want to know right away, before they have time to wonder who the hell you are.

4. Know your backstory. Otherwise you'll be grasping for an answer, which will make them suspicious. For instance, if you're claiming to be a superspy working for a pseudo-government agency, at least know how to pick a lock with a pocketknife.

5. Target receptionists. Usually, they are bored, willing to talk, and under-appreciated. Even better, their job is to provide information. Most companies completely overlook them when warning their employees about pretexting.

5. Ask your question with authority. Especially if you're talking to a receptionist or secretary. People, especially in entry-level position are reluctant to challenge authority. Think about what happens when an underling challenges Darth Vader.

6. Flirt. Tell them that they have a sexy voice. They'll be distracted by their own feelings of self-worth, and associate those feelings with you, making them even more eager to please you. And honestly, if you're talking to a receptionist, she or he is usually pretty hot.

7. Nurture a good source. After you get the information that you want, ask them about their day, the plot of Lost, etc. Anything to get trust to connect you as a person.

8. If challenged, don't hang-up. They aren't the FBI, they aren't tracing your call. Say "if, you're not comfortable giving me this information, can you connect me to someone who can. Sound angry. While they are connecting you to someone else, figure out what triggered their suspicion and try to do better with the next person. And ask for the person's direct extension, this will give a hint of the company's dialing scheme, and you'll be able to make random calls. Particularly effective at large companies.

9. Always say thank you. Yes, this is a repeat of number 2, but in the excitement of getting the information you need, you may forget. Remember, we're in a civil society, please act accordingly.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Osama Bin Laden loves MacGyver...no, SERIOUSLY.

Well, Macgyver fans, the club just got bigger. According to Kola Boof(pictured to the right), supposed former mistress/sex slave of Osama Bin Laden, he used to talk nonstop about "Macgyver" and "The Wonder Years." I can't decide which is more troubling, Osama learning about homemade bombs or identifying with Kevin Arnold's teen angst.

Of course, this doesn't surprise me, everybody who hates America, only does so because we cancelled their favorite shows. Just ask Kim Jong-il, he'll tell you all about it, he's still pissed about the cancellation of "The New Leave it to Beaver."

Kola Boof sounds like a porn name(I was hoping), but nope she's a highly regarded (or famous, whichever you prefer) Sudanese writer. Though, referring to anyone who wrote for Days of Our Lives as highly regarded seems like a bit of a PR stretch. It's all in her book, "Diary of a Lost Girl", which I'm sure is coming out soon.

MacGyver on the Mets or something...whatever.

Okay, so some writers invoke MacGyver purely to fill space and this completely unintelligible article from the New York Newsday. Something about El Duque, bubble gum, and a paperclip. Sounds like a Cuban orgy. *sigh* Is it because I don't care about baseball? Does anyone? Why are we still watching men in stripy pajamas play with their sticks and balls? Ladies, will you please stop having sex with these guys? Then no one will aspire to play baseball and we make sure articles like this will only be studied by grad students in post-post modernist literature a couple of decades from now.

Here's the article. Let me know if it makes any sense to you.